Going through a divorce might be hard for you but it is usually even more devastating for the children. More difficult than coming to terms with the reality of the divorce is the fact that they now have to live with both parents, one at a time, as is the case in a joint physical custody arrangement.
Going from one parent’s house to another’s every couple of days can sound difficult but there are ways to make it work. Here are 10 tips that can make a joint custody arrangement easier for the children.
Let’s face it. Your children have been through enough ugliness during the actual divorce. It’s time to make amends. It’s time to start anew. It’s time to let go of all the anger and bitterness. Keep your conflicts between yourself and your ex. The children should not be a part of it.
You must get over the divorce as soon as possible to focus on the future. You are not married to your ex anymore but he or she is still a co-parent. So be reasonable and try to come up with rational solutions to the problems you face. Letting go of the anger will also help with the next two tips.
Your children love your former spouse even if you don’t. When you constantly criticize them in front of the children, it not only creates more doubts and confusion in their minds, but also adds to their overall emotional distress. This also leads to friction in carrying out the custody arrangement.
Remember that you are not the only person involved in raising your kids. This is a joint custody arrangement. Your children need to see your ex on a regular basis and your attitude towards your ex can create resentment among the children which would cause unnecessary tensions during weekly visits.
Communication between parents is the most crucial factor in any healthy child custody arrangement. Joint physical custody, in particular, requires parent coordination for logistical reasons. You need to constantly stay in touch with the other parent to coordinate your activities in order to make the transition less disturbing for the children.
But how can you constantly communicate with someone whom you didn’t want to spend your life with in the first place? We all know it’s hard. But the key to going about it is to create a business-like relationship. You are doing this for the well-being of your children. You can make a few compromises, can’t you? Just like you tolerate a boss you don’t like?
Some parents, in the heat of the moment, try to secure maximum control over the children. They want their children to spend more time with them than the other parent. Divorce is not a competition. There are no winners in this game.
You may choose to secure an arrangement in your favor but then find that it doesn’t match your schedule and you don’t have time enough to spend with your kids. Don’t bite off more than you can chew. The custody arrangement must be one that fits your schedule.
You must also remember that the divorce was about you but the custody is about the children. Their lives depend on the decision you make. So it’s only fair that you involve them in the decision-making process. Whatever the arrangement is, it must not disturb your child’s commitments and daily activities.
There are several other factors you need to consider before settling on the perfect plan for your children. For instance, it is better that your children alternate regularly between parents if they’re young. Here are some of the common forms of custody arrangements:
There is no hard and fast rule regarding the nature of the arrangement. It is not necessary to stick to the schedule although it is important to bring a degree of stability to the child’s life. Design the arrangement in a way that adjustments can be made to accommodate changes in yours or the children’s schedule.
When you’re living together, it’s easier to set certain rules about raising children. It’s also easier to decide on a system of rewards and punishments. However, this becomes much more challenging while living apart. Constant communication about a set of rules for the children is essential.
Suppose it’s your day to keep the children but they refuse to come. Imagine how heart-breaking that might be. Visitation refusals can be distressing but you need to handle them with absolute care. Rather than dealing with your child harshly, you can have a frank discussion about why they do they not want to go. You can also involve your ex and resolve the matter through cooperation.
Did your child pack all the essentials while going to the other parent’s place? Do they have the toothbrush? Do they have all the books? These are the questions you need to deal with. Children are carefree and forgetful. They might not include all the essentials before leaving. This may seem like an insignificant matter. But if you don’t help your children with the transition, the resulting distress may accumulate over time and your children can get frustrated with the entire arrangement. So take charge and set things right.
No child should go through the pain of a badly handled custody arrangement. If you found the suggested tips helpful, share the article with those who might need your help with such a difficult situation.